MEMO TO MEN: The Shrinking Violet Syndrome.

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Blooming musings
DATE: November 11, 2009


A reader recently left this comment in one of my posts:

If this blog is truly about your search for love then the readers would like to see more of that search. Right now all we are reading about is your complaints as to why guys do not approach you/notice you/etc... Searching doesn't mean sitting and waiting for Prince Charming to come rescue you.

At first, I just scoffed at it. Honestly, I didn't give much credence to it at all. But that quote stuck with me for some reason, dancing around in my head as I'd be doing other things: putting laundry away, working on other articles, drifting off to sleep at night. I kept coming back to it for some reason, so eventually, I took that as a sign. Was it trying to tell me something? It probably was.


I thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it, and as you know, when I start thinking about things sometimes, those thoughts tend to become like that Elmer's glue you used to get on your hands when you were a kid - even days later, you're still peeling off layer after white layer.

And that's when I realized: I'd been so quick to dismiss the comment because it struck a nerve. A very sensitive nerve, apparently. It was almost as if it were an automatic reflex, like jerking your hand away from a flame-burning stove.

Maybe some wound - a wound I didn't even know I had - is still fresh.

But the truth is, I want to search for love, but I'm sort of scared, you know? And I hate being that girl who's scared. I hate feeling like I want to recoil and avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy I may give my heart to, only to have him run away with it and never come back. I'm not usually that girl.

I'm supposed to have the answers, aren't I? Or at least, I should know where to find them, right? I'm supposed to have Super Woman confidence, right?


How is it, then, that I can be so self-confident on the inside (and on this little blog), but when I see you in the flesh, I become a Bumbling Betty? I'm not sure if that's pathetic, endearing or both; I'm thinking it's more toward the pathetic side, right?

I know this probably sounds incredibly paranoid, but it's as if I always feel your eyes staring at me. I know you're not, at least not in that way (yet...!), but I'm usually so afraid of saying something wrong (something so very, very wrong), so I just keep my mouth shut. And I've done that for far too long, haven't I?

You just have a way of making me come so unglued, so undone (and, as much as I'm sure you'd like it, I'm not talking about the buttons on my shirt here)


Maybe it's one of those things where I just have to jump head-first. Instead of inching forward at a cautious snail's pace, perhaps I just need to take one giant leap and see where I land.

I'm not trying to justify anything here; I'm merely trying to figure out how to bridge this apparent Grand Canyon-sized gap in my thinking and actions.

Do you ever feel this way?




[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]

Mind of a Man: Geek Glory.

Hello, friends, we've got a double dose of goodness today: a peek inside the mind of a man and an expert! Mark Brooks, publisher of Online Personals Watch, was kind enough to give me the inside scoop and re-affirm my love of geeks! Hope you enjoy!
*Note: Yay for social awkwardness!*


Why have geeks suddenly gained such credibility now?
In the past, there’s been a stigma about geeks that has made them unpopular to some people. However, geeks have always had credibility for people who are not entirely hung up on superficial categorizations. Some people look more towards the all American or the jock type of guy when looking for a partner. They look at them and think alpha male. However, they eventually find out that broad shoulders or a good style will only get you so far in a relationship. Women have traditionally dated the cool guys and then sought comfort and understanding from their geekier friends when Mr. Cool turns out to be a dud.

Sadly, it isn’t so much of a self realization that has made women more open to geeks, but pop culture. With our reliance on technology, it’s good to have a geek around. One major retail chain even hails the existence of their Geek Squad. There’s also the concept that you can turn a geek into something more. Take a look at Patrick Dempsy. To millions of people he was the geeky kid on the lawn mower in “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Now he’s “McDreamy.” A few years, a better tan and a set of hand weights and you’ve got a whole new man. With Mr. Cool, what you see is what you get, but with a geek, women often times see potential

Why have they been avoided as potential dates in the past?
In the past, geeks have been avoided by some because they have been considered weaker and more social awkward than cooler people. There’s also been the concern from “normal people” that they just don’t have anything in common with geeks. Thankfully, much of this stereotyping is starting to erode.


What can women gain by giving a geek a chance?
The first thing you have to consider is that women have the same thing to gain by dating a geek as they do in dating a “cool person.” After all, geeks are people too, right? So first off, women have the chance to meet someone they can build a great relationship with. That said, there are certain advantages to having a geek on your arm. For example, geeks who have been written off by people in the past because of social status, tend to be much more tender and accepting partners. They look below the surface and are more interested in who someone really is instead of whatever they are tagged with by society. For the most part, geeks are not players. In fact, they are the anti–player. Most people in relationships with geeks tend to find that they feel more like they are in a real partnership than when they were dating Mr. Cool. There’s more of an interest in connecting on both ends and that leads to a much more attentive partner and a greater feeling of security in the relationship. Also, they tend to be pretty handy when it comes to fixing computers, or messing with high tech gadgets.

What are the best hot spots for meeting a loveable geek?
Well, as anyone could tell you, geeks like to hang out under stairwells in dark alleys where they can roll their 12 sided dice in relative peace and tranquility while they eat their cheetos and drink copious amounts of Mountain Dew. OK, seriously, where would you find a geek that you’d like to date? Probably some place that you’d already want to go to. Geeks have many interests. They don’t all huddle up in basements and comic book stores. They go where there is art, intelligent conversation, creativity...you name it. You might find one in the bookstore, or maybe at a gallery exhibit. You could find the perfect geek on the elliptical next to you at the gym, or even standing next to you in the produce aisle… believe it or not...they are everywhere.


Is there anything else you think I should know?
Yes, I think it is important to know that the concept of categorizing geeks vs non geeks is not really valid anymore. In fact, it stopped being valid several years ago. There’s an endless number of the types of geeks in the world. Sure, some are socially awkward, but there are plenty of awkward jocks out there too. Do you spend tons of time on myspace or facebook? Do you twitter about every last detail of your life? Do you play Guitar Hero or enjoy kicking your friend’s butt in Wii bowling? Guess what. You just might be a geek too.




[Photos via We Heart It]

Blog Celebration: A Gift For You.

You all know I'm not a diva. You won't see me demanding bottled water specifically from a tiny spring in Colorado in my dressing room. Heck, I don't even have a dressing room, and that's fine with me.

What I do know: I wouldn't be anywhere without you, my lovely and amazing readers. This blog wouldn't be anywhere without you either. I've been continually awed, amazed and otherwise overwhelmed (in a good way!) by your support, love and comments.

To that end, I'm offering a giveaway of my own today! I might not be as crafty and talented as my Etsy sponsors, but when it comes to picking out gift cards, well, I'm an expert in that field.

For your chance to win a $30 gift certificate to my favorite online shopping spot, Amazon, simply leave a comment below along with your email. A winner will be chosen at random on Friday. Good luck!




P.S. If I end up going on a shopping spree while buying the gift card, I can blame you, right? ;)

How I Feel (In Five Photos) Wednesday.

Yes, I've decided this is going to be a regular Wednesday feature. What do you think? Have any photos you'd like to me include in future weeks? Send them my way!




[Photos via We Heart It, Le Love and Little Note]

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #55

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:

*Disclaimer: If you turn out to be the person who also happens to be the subject of this letter, I'm deeply sorry. Part of me hopes you are, and another part of me - hopes you're the person who ends up at their 20th high school reunion not the jock you were in high school, but the guy with a receding hairline and loads of alimony payments. I'm just saying...


You want to know something truly excruciatingly sad? You want to know what a bad romance really is like?

The kind I create in my head. These damn, annoying fantasies in which I eventually realize that said object of my affection could never and would never be anything more than a colorful storyboard I'd meticulously crafted in my mind.

That, Sweetpea, is just downright sickening, isn't it? And I hate this about myself. I despise it. I don't want to be like that. And...yet...I...am. Day after day. Month after month. Heck, I've been like this since I fell in love (in my head, remember) with Crush Boy when we were 13.

So, how do I end this vicious cycle of torture? How do I get off this crazy train? Because, frankly, love, I never signed up for this. You know what love is? Love is like one of those schmancy all-inclusive resort packages that looks so bright and beautiful in the the pages of the color brochure. Everyone is happy - sipping drinks on the beach and laughing at a sunset bonfire.


So you take the resort up on their sounds-too-good-to-be-true offer, only to realize it IS, in fact, too good to be true. Maybe your room doesn't face the ocean; maybe it faces a sewer. And the pool? Yeah, instead, it's a mini hot-tub with no hot water in your teeny, tiny room.

You trick yourself into believing that it must be you. After all, it has to be you, right? Everyone else is having the time of their life, aren't they? Why can't you just join the Conga line, put on your party face and do the same?

I want out of this stupid Conga line once and for all. Not to put any sort of pressure on your or anything here. This is all coming from me. I fully accept that.

It's just that my recent encounters of the guy kind have left me, well, for lack of a better word: Jaded.


Gosh, I hope I'm not jaded when we get married. I wasn't, was I? If so, feel free to throw a large bucket of ice-cold water on my face. It's time I woke up, I think. Don't you? Until we meet...




[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]

Mad Men Cupcakes.

Did you watch the season finale of AMC's Mad Men on Sunday? I've been obsessed and obsessed with this show - the characters, the fashions, the history lesson every week - since season one. Don't these cupcakes look yummy? I would have loved to have had them on hand while watching the finale - and cursing Betty Draper!




[Photo via Cupcakes Take The Cake]

Tales From The Trenches: Tale #10

Did you enjoy Part I of Maya Contreras's three-part excerpt celebrating the release of her book, “The Him Book: One Woman’s Almost Religious Search to Find the One.” (out now in NYC bookstores and via Kindle)? The book is filled with her own personal essays chronicling her relationships, and like me, she is always brutally honest. She was kind enough to give us this excerpt of one of the tales. Look for Part III next week!


“Is the man of whom we speak twenty-nine years old?” Matthew asks, gesturing for another shot of whiskey. “He’s twenty-eight,” I say. “Whatever dude, he’s about to turn twenty-nine, and he’s never been in a serious relationship…dude…weird. I mean, what’s the issue – that he can’t keep a girl around for more than a month or two?”

I am astounded that Matthew can recall every morsel of information I’ve ever given him about Andrew. Despite Matthew’s “wake and bake” mornings, his “beer-thirty” lunch, and the “Dude! It’s 4:20!” spliff breaks – his mind is like a Venus fly trap when it comes to my love life, and I both hate and love the fact that he remembers almost everything I say. It’s difficult to defend myself when in the past I have so honestly presented the facts to Matthew. I didn’t know they would be used as evidence in the case against me.

I offer my first line of defense.

“I didn’t know Andrew had never been in a long-term relationship before.”


It’s true. When I first met Andrew I assumed that he had at least one long-term relationship under his belt. He was, after all, in his late twenties, and it is almost inevitable that before a guy reaches that age he not only experiments with sex and drugs, but also flirts with commitment to see what that type of lifestyle holds too…right? Wrong. Andrew’s immature behavior should have been a red flag. Any long-term relationship veteran would already have put all that behind him, knowing full well that those shenanigans could get him dumped at lightning speed. But he seemed utterly clueless. He was unaware of how he hurt my feelings, and he was inept when it came to basic social graces. For example, introducing new friends to one another seemed foreign to him. He would complain endlessly before you could even get out the words, “Hi, how are you?” And of course, he would talk for hours before he would even think to ask how my day was. It was difficult for him just to be with me one on one, and so most of our dates were spent with large groups of his friends, and most of his time was spent talking to them instead of me.

One time, I had taken Andrew to Carnegie Hall to see one of the conductors I was managing. As we sat in our front-row center seats, I invited him and his friends to come over to my apartment for a home-cooked Thanksgiving meal.

“I will try and make it, but I have a friend cooking dinner too, so I don’t know if I can come to both.”

I reminded him that Thanksgiving wasn’t for another two weeks, and that I would really appreciate it if he could try and swing past my dinner, seeing as I was his girlfriend and all.

“Well, yeah, I will try,” he said once again, starting to nod off while watching the orchestra.

That’s when I asked him about the length of his longest relationship.

“Um, I think about three months,” he said. I cringed. We had just hit the three-month anniversary; time was not on our side.


After reflecting a moment on that awkward memory, I turn to Matthew saying, “It’s not that weird. Some people, just…I don’t know, Matthew…listen, there was some indication that he wanted more,” I say, ordering another drink.

“The court will allow evidence,” Matthew says.

“Well, we talked about going to France together this summer. He told all of his friends about me. Oh, and he asked me to go back home with him to meet his friends and family in Australia.”

“He wanted to take you on a twenty-five hour flight to Australia to meet his friends and family?”

“Yeah. I thought that was pretty great.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Matthew says, lighting another cigarette.

“Of course,” I say.

He looks me straight in the eye. “Does Andrew know you don’t like to fly, Maya?”

I grimace, feeling caught. “No. But we never really talked about it,” I say, lowering my head.


“I think you’re missing a step, Maya. This guy doesn’t know basic things about you. Like the fact that you hate to fly, you don’t like driving through tunnels, and you can’t stand horror films. He thinks you work at a record label, when instead you work for a music management agency! You know why? Because this guy doesn’t ask you about YOU! And you know WHY?” Matthew’s voice is beginning to get a little loud.

“Why?” Mine is becoming more exasperated with each passing moment.

“Because he does ALL of the talking! And by the way, does he even know how much YOU like to talk? I mean, you talked my ear off from Chicago to Miami, taking just enough breath to choke out another sentence. You wake up talking! And I swear to God, you even talked yourself to sleep once, Maya.”




[Photos via We Heart It]

Inspiration: Love Yourself.

If I've learned anything in my 28 years on this grand Earth, this is it:

Never, ever let anyone try to define you. Only you can tell the story of your life; it's no one's story but yours. Be yourself. And above all else, blending in with the crowd is never worth it. So stand out!

Never forget that, OK?




[Photos via Little Note]

Blog Celebration: Once Upon A Time. One Year Ago.

Guess what? This little old blog is having a birthday this week! It will turn 1 come Saturday! Can you believe it? Time flies even faster in Cyberspace, doesn't it?

I've got some goodies planned this week, but first, in honor of So about what I said...'s birthday, I'd love to hear your own stories. You may recall I wrote about this very topic in one of my Dating With Disabilities columns.

I've always said "So about what I said" is a far more powerful five-word phrase than "It's not you, it's me." Or, at least, that's been the case in my experience (Crush Boy, anyone? Or how about Young Guns? You see, I usually find myself backtracking like that after I say the first thing that comes into my head and leaks out of my mouth before I have even a second to censor myself. my moments usually fall into one of two categories:

*You tell your guy friend you just might be in love with him

*You spill your love guts to a guy you just met (my personal favorite)

That's my whole problem. I have zero censors. Either that, or they're just in need of batteries. And if that's the case, is there some sort of psychological meaning as to why I haven't changed them?

What are the "So about what I said..." moments from your own life? I'd love to hear them.




[Photo via Le Love]

The Vintage Mistress Giveaway!

Today's gorgeous giveaway comes to us from Elizabeth of The Vintage Mistress. She's offering two special treats today for one lucky winner. She's offering the beautiful purse above, and has slipped a $20 gift certificate to her shop inside. As she says, you "can't offer an empty purse; it's bad luck!!!"

Feeling lucky? For your chance to win, simply visit her shop, and leave a comment below with your email, along with the one item you'd be sure to put in the purse if you win!

A winner will be chosen at random on Friday, November 13. Good luck!