Thursday, June 04, 2009

Would Guys REALLY Date A Woman With A Disability?


So after my first field experiment went so well, I decided to try my hand again. This time, I wanted to see if my fears about men not wanting anything to do with a woman with a disability were grounded in any real truth. I sent out another batch of questions to my lovely male friends (thanks, guys!). I didn't get as many responses as I did before, but then again, I sort of expected that. It can be an uncomfortable subject (though, really, why should it be?), and maybe I caught the guys off guard. Or maybe they were just too embarrased or ashamed to be honest?

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. For now....

Anyway, my questions were pretty straight-forward (surprisingly, just like me. Who knew?)....

Would you ask out a woman with a physical disablity?
The obvious choice for a first question, right? Every guy said "Yes, I would ask a woman with a disability out," "there's no barrier there," and nothing would stop them. I really appreciated how Facebook Flirt framed it when he replied: Why? Because people are people are people are people are people are people."

What do you think are some of the reasons for some guys' fears of dating a woman with a physical disability?
I expected the usual responses (read: lame excuses) like what other people would think, being afraid they'd catch the "cooties," etc., but quite a few of the men said they'd be afraid of the responsibility and the fact that they might have to do a lot of extra work to help the person. [Editor's Note: Oh, that's right. I forgot. Men (whether disabled or not) come with ZERO responsibility or excess baggage. Don't worry, boys, I can take care of myself, probably better than you take care of yourself, actually]

Still, others said that a guy might fear that the disabled woman isn't comfortable in her physique and that this would negatively affect physical relations. "People do not want to come out and address that this is a major factor, but it is. Many relationships break down when there is insufficient sexual glue to hold a couple with competing ideas together," replied Crush Boy. He also said there may be some concern about the ability to have "hot sex," (his wording, not mine) get pregnant, and raise children. [Editor's Note: Hot sex? Well, that might be a problem for you (I know, something people don't like to discuss as a problem, but it is....), but when I get married, it definitely won't be a problem for me]

What, if anything would stop you from asking a disabled woman on a date?
"If I wanted to ask her out on a date (because of who she is), nothing would stop me from asking her out," said Kasey, a guy I went to high school with.


I also asked them for some advice, seeing as it seems my disability makes all men run in the OTHER direction. Some interesting nuggets of wisdom....of course, I couldn't help but respond in italics and bold when appropriate.

--Just make sure you maintain your confidence, friendly demeanor, and smile.
--The key is to find yourself in situations where people can get a bit of knowledge of you and feel comfortable with the interaction. College is an excellent source of these opportunities. Some sports opportunities work well for these purposes. Many opportunities exist at parties were alcohol as a social lubricant lets people get past their nerves (Of course, because alcohol consumption solves everything; the next time I want a guy to notice me, maybe I should get him drunk first...)
--Figure out a way to fit into the world that exists (should I should settle? Stick to the status quo? That, frankly, sounds trite and really, really boring. Since when do I just sit down and sell out?)
--The new approach maybe would to show that someone that you intellectually smart and funny and to focus on the attributes instead of the physical (Good call, but what if I do think my outer shell is attractive? But I should probably not present both my physical hotness and my sexy brain at the same time; that might give the poor, unsuspecting guy a heart attack).


It was the advice that made just stop and sit there for a moment. Hold on. I looked through the list a few times (OK, maybe more than a few times). Be friendly. Be who you are. Be comfortable with yourself. Isn't that exactly what I've been doing for more than a decade? So, is it that men have no trouble dating a woman with a disability, just not this woman with a disability?

I just don't know, but maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. Questioning it, really, isn't going to get me any closer to Mr. Right (or his cute twin) any more than Spencer Pratt trying to woo America for the millionth time would.

As my Twitter friend, Matt, said: "As for those reasons it makes me feel quite shameful towards myself and other men how limited we are in searching for that someone."

AMEN.

xoxo,


[Photos via ffffound and Le Love]

P.S. Come to think of it, perhaps I would have made more of an impression on these guys - and received more responses - had I done this in person. I honestly wouldn't put it past myself to do this (note to future self: in the future....). Can you imagine the looks on their faces? Priceless.

32 comments:

Viewtiful_Justin said...

In all honesty, I'd be scared of finding out I'm too shallow to date someone with a disability.

Faux Trixie said...

Just a friendly word of caution: If you keep soliciting advice from people via email on seemingly sensitive subjects, only to then attack their opinions, they're likely going to stop responding.

While you and I and whoever else may not like some people's opinions, they're their opinions, you know? Just make sure you're not going to offend any of them that read this if you want to get their opinions later. They did you a solid, you know?

Your post reads like you are being highly critical of them because you didn't like what they had to say... I know it's a sensitive issue for you, but this is exactly the same kind of thing you hate.

Also, as Homer Simpson says, "alcohol: the cause of and the solution to all of life's problems," or something like that. I realize you're not a drinker, but in a tense or uncomfortable situation, it really does relax a person. I don't think this applies to the dating world, either. You just can't overdo it.

Again, just friendly commenting. :)

Anonymous said...

Poster once referred to as nice anon here.
There's a lot that disappoints me in this article. But I'm going to focus on my biggest beef.

why guys wouldn't date someone with a disability.

As a lady dating someone with significant health challenges-- yeah. It is extra work. It's actually a whole lot of extra work. A whole new set of rules applies... and a whole new set of completely valid concerns exist. I don't, and I don't think your participants do either, think it's a deal breaker but it is a very real concern. You need to understand the difference between to two.

I have to make sure I am aware of what to do when he is suddenly unable to care for himself-- which is a very real possibility and something I've experienced a number of times. I need to know how to help him identify a potential crisis and how to get him the help he needs when that occurs. I need to know about his condition and the simple things that I can do to make his life easier. Since you're in a chair, more likely than not the person you're with would need to make sure they could fit it in their car. Simple things like that.

It's not out of obligation and it's not done begrudgingly but, I can say from experience, it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I didn't fall in love with someone who had this condition.

When you're with someone, you want to help them and make sure that they have the best life possible. When you're dating a person with some challenges, there are just more hurdles to jump in that department.

More than just the day to day stuff-- I have to look at my future in a different way. I have to ask myself: Do I want to marry someone who is going to have a significantly shorter lifespan than me? Do I want to have children with someone who has a genetic condition? Am I okay with never having children... is it even a physical possibility with them? Am I OK with the limitations that are put on our sex life as a direct result of his condition? Someone you date is going to have to ask themselves those questions, too, and more!

Today I'm answering all of these questions in a way that affirm my commitment to my boyfriend BUT there are days that I feel differently. Moreover; before we started dating, there were times that I felt differently. Does this make me a terrible person?

NO. It makes me an honest person. And the very fact that your friends are taking into account the way a girlfriend with a physical disability would change their life makes them honest people too.

If someone doesn't think about the very real issues presented by a health condition or physical disability, they're probably not pursuing you under of the most noble conditions. In fact, it sounds an awful lot like they're taking pity on folks with disabilities.

Your response to their honest answer is so hostile. Think about what they said instead of reacting defensively.

Based on how you responded through out this whole piece and past blogs... I really don't think that it's the physical part of your disability that's holding you back in the dating world-- it's how other people's short sighted and cruel reactions to it in your past have formed your current state of mind. Granted, I don't know you and could be talking completely out of my ass....
but it comes off as though you've shut out all potential for any attraction that's anything other than based on ideals that do not exist in the real world. Maybe you're the one being limited in how you're searching for that special someone??

Just a thought.

Indrayani aka, Indi! said...

Another post...same attitude towards the same stufff!! :(

Anonymous said...

Take everything nice anon said and add a couple insulting turns of phrase and maybe the words "damn it" a few times, and that's how I feel. Do your friends who you solicit for advice know this is what you do with it? What is the view like with your head in the sand?

-mean anon-

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

There are some guys out there - key word SOME - who will date a chick with STD's.. Dating someone with a disability doesn't matter either. Not to be rude but again, to SOME guys, a piece of ass, is a piece of ass, is a piece of ass..

Melissa said...

Hey everyone -- I honestly didn't mean for this post to come off hostile in any way. They gave their opinions - which I respect - and I gave mine.

Melissa said...

All I was trying to do was show that we women with disabilities are not as scary as our disabilities seem or something you need to think so hard about before asking us out.

Look at the person, not the disability. That was my message.

Anonymous said...

No, I'm sorry, you don't respect other peoples' opinions. You can't just SAY you respect them and have it magically count as "respect." Respect involves listening and entertaining the idea that you might someday diverge from your preconceived notions. You don't HAVE to change your mind, but you have to be open to it, which time and again you seem unwilling and unable to do.

Melissa said...

For the record, I've had these emails sitting on my desk for 3 weeks. I was processing their opinions. I was contemplating. I was trying to see the other side. I thought long and hard before I wrote this post. So please don't act like you know everything that goes on in my head or my life before you bring out your judge's gavel.

Disabilities are a touchy subject, I know. But you know what? They've been a part of my life - and part of me - for 27 years, so I'm going to talk about them, I'm going to be honest. In the end, I AM going to tell my story.

Erin said...

First off, I enjoy your blog, I really do. Your posts are well written, creative, and adorable. I really get a sense of what your personality is like through most of your posts. You come off as a positive, quirky, and fun person. When you write about your life experiences or your family, your posts are beautiful. They are beautiful because you are writing what you know (which I don’t have to tell you is one of the first things you learn when you study writing).

In this vein, I have some constructive criticism. Although I understand that you are intrigued with relationships and want to write about them, I feel a sense of detachedness and false authority whenever I read posts of this nature. Your “Letters to my future husband” posts are great because they are sincere. You write about what you hope will come to fruition in your own life. The posts I have a problem with are ones like “Which guys to avoid.” I cannot take your word for which guys I should avoid when I know (because of past entries) that you have no real dating experience. These posts feel recycled and they are missing the anecdotal stories that make a post unique. I would not attempt to write about truck driving, although I am fascinated by it and love it, because I have never driven a truck across the country. Do you see what I’m saying?

There is an easy way to remedy this, but you might not want to hear it. You need to be less picky and less critical of who your first relationship is going to be with. My first boyfriend is completely irrelevant. The person he was (and was not) does not affect me ten years later. What did affect me were the things that I learned about relationships by actually attempting to be in one. I can tell you that waiting for a guy to sweep you off your feet is completely unrealistic. I have never been approached by a guy who wasn’t a creep, EVER. All the decent men that I’ve dated, I met through mutual friends or social gatherings. I can completely understand your unwillingness to go to bars and meet people. I get that you don’t drink; I don’t either. Neither does my boyfriend, but I assure you guys who don’t are few and far between. I can tell you that it is hard to meet people outside of bars. Unless you are active in clubs, church organizations, or party circuits, the only other place people hang out and try to meet people is in bars.

This brings me to another point, have you attempted to go on dating sites (like EHarmony or Match.com). I’m not saying I expect you to find Mr. Right on there (although it’s possible), but using these sites is a good way to practice communicating with men and going on casual dates. Have you considered joining a disabled dating site? If you expect a man to be OK with your disability, then you might need to be OK with someone else’s. At least if you joined one of these sites, the men you met would be interested in dating in general. The men that you fall for in your daily life may not be at a place where they are ready to seriously date anyone.

I hope you take this as I meant it, with kindness. I would love nothing more than to come to your blog and see an entry about you putting on your best Polo shirt and cruising to a local coffee shop for a date.

Good luck!

Melissa said...

Hi Erin -- I do see your point. In everything I write, I mold it around my life experiences, such as they are. I enjoy writing about love and relationships, adding in the disability angle, as that has been my experience. I appreciate your insight -- some good things to think about over the weekend.

Anonymous said...

I wrote almost exactly the same thing Erin wrote earlier in the year and you attacked me and called me a coward and the fact that I was anonymous angle allowed you to completely dismiss everything I said. Do you recall?

Melissa said...

I don't respect people who are cowardly enough to hide behind the anonymous moniker. And this isn't the first time you've attacked me and my blog posts, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit unbiased.

Like I said, no one is making you read this blog, and certainly no one is forcing you to keep coming back when you so obviously disagree with my life. If you think you're going to be able to change me, you've picked the wrong person.

Melissa said...

Updated: That should biased in my response above, not unbiased.

Anonymous said...

Right, this isn't the first time I've attacked your blog. However, the first time I did (and I don't consider it an attack), I said something very similar to what Erin has said. In the interest of consistency, you should probably call her names and erase her comment.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but I must agree with some former comments - no matter how long you contemplated the responses to your questions, your treatment of them is still disrespectful. You are right that we cannot infer what's going on inside your head; in fact, all we have to go on is what you're written. And, what you're written comes off as closed-minded rude, even if you did not intend it to be that way. Readers can only work with what they're given.

I would be very curious to learn about the opinions of men with disabilities of their own on this topic. I have no personal evidence to go on, but I imagine they might hold views closer to what you seemed to be hoping for.

Max said...

Why might some men not date you?
One of your comments implies you're not having sex (or hot sex) until marriage. I find it pays to avoid women like that.
Also getting men drunk is a common tactic applied by women, you need to learn to 'play the game'.

As for dating a disabled woman personally, I have no inherent problem but relate it back to getting any girlfriend...
if I have a past-time that my girlfriend doesn't have the fitness/skills/equipment/whatever to take part in, I feel guilty leaving her out to go do this thing I enjoy. Eventually she could learn to do it too, but if her disability stopped her then I would feel guilty leaving her behind every time.

The other thing is ending the relationship. You don't dump a girlfriend when she's 'down'. I hate making any girlfriend feel bad, it isn't true, but it would feel worse if she was disabled.
And there would be no way to prove to her that I'm dumping her because of her personality and not her disability (and you try telling someone you don't like their personality).

Melissa said...

Your frankness, especially about sex, Max, is charming (read: I'm being sarcastic), and quite frankly disrespectful.

I listened to the guys' opinions (of those who responded to my original email), and I offered mine in return. I fail to see how any of that is in any way disrespectful.

Max said...

You're not very charming are you.
I fail to see how being frank about sex is disrespectful. Sex is natural and fun and waiting until marriage serves no purpose.

I've read several of your entries by now and I've known several women who think like you and they all turned out to be loons.
Things like:
Letters to future husbands.
Falling in love with people before having an intimate relationship with them.
Wanting to be loved for their personality but at the same time drooling over the most attractive men.
Idealising relationships.
And, quite simply, obsessing over finding a man.

I know people with major disabilities and it didn't stop them getting a partner. And I know people who have everything going for them and they never got a kiss even into their 40s.
The difference is attitude. Stop looking for love and start living life for as much fun as you can get... love will find you (or not).

P.S. I know you won't listen to anyone you don't agree with, you've already made up your mind about everything. How's that working out for you?

Melissa said...

It's working quite, well, thank you, Max. You say I've already made up my mind, but it looks like you have too. So I guess you'd be the pot and I'd be the kettle.

That's how it works, right?

Anonymous said...

It doesn't seem like it is working out all that well for you, actually.

The tone could be a little more gentle, but Max is right: I think that attitude makes an enormous difference.

deals hunt said...

It's actually a whole lot of extra work. A whole new set of rules applies... and a whole new set of completely valid concerns exist.it sounds an awful lot like they're taking pity on folks with disabilities.

John said...

[PART 2]
Firstly, wanting something too much works against me attaining it. IT pushes other people away and makes me seem too clingy and needy. Secondly, I didn't know anything about myself in a relationship. Had no idea how shallow and selfish I was until it ended and I had time to reflect and make some adjustments to my attitude. It took alot of relationships for me to learn enough to stay and build a committed life with someone and for me it is a daily task of learning and growing and working hard at making it work...From what I can see on your blog which clearly you have spent alot of time and effort with, you have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and how it begins...the visuals look too contrived. The people too beautiful, the scenes too romantic, the sentiments too breathtaking to reflect the 'cold hard asphalt' of real life. They really belong on the covers of valentine's cards...reality is going to dinner with some friends and their friends and striking up a conversation with someone that is really 'interesting' and amazingly they want to meet up with you too in a few days to spend some more time together...reality isn't about lying under a tunnel of trees with an impossible amount of blossoming flowers budding or running snap polls about whether your friends/fans/readers would date people with disabilities and using their responses as fuel for your own misanthropic musings. People. All people whether they like this or not, whether they are willing to admit this or not, are selfish and cruel and self absorbed and after their own rewards that care little about others unless there is some sort of payoff. We are all greedy and selfish. And we are prone to greatness as well. To tear swelling grandeur and beauty of action. The stuff that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing. So it is of little surprise and even less worth knowing that those 'bastad' men are not prepared to date a disabled woman because she is physically challenged. These are the same men you want to sweep you off your feet and kiss you passionately that you want to make hot love with. These are the same men you so desperately want to love you. And these guys have the courage and strength to be honest and straight with you. They are the gems! But you seem as picky and stubborn about what you want as they seem closed and unwilling to date a person that has a disability. You want someone to love you unconditionally like your father did but you are not willing to love others (friends?) in the same way judging by your reactions to their answers. And here is the nub of the thing that I slowly learnt all those years ago...you can't expect to live by your own exclusive set of rules and expect others to follow a different set of rules when dealing with you. How you expect others to treat you can only ever be aligned with how you treat others. Don't expect men to be undiscriminating when it comes to their being prepared to date you when you yourself ARE discriminating toward them as evidenced by your reactions to their answers. If you REALLY want to meet someone and start along this journey, stop trying, give it up and get on living your life. Stay social, mix with people and thrive in your own company. When you truly can happily live the rest of your life alone without that 'special someone' it is only at this point that they will appear for you. And don't ever think EVER that there isn't someone out there that will show you some of the magic that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing because that is how you will make THEM feel and they will just be wanting you to feel it too.

John said...

[PART 2]
Firstly, wanting something too much works against me attaining it. IT pushes other people away and makes me seem too clingy and needy. Secondly, I didn't know anything about myself in a relationship. Had no idea how shallow and selfish I was until it ended and I had time to reflect and make some adjustments to my attitude. It took alot of relationships for me to learn enough to stay and build a committed life with someone and for me it is a daily task of learning and growing and working hard at making it work...From what I can see on your blog which clearly you have spent alot of time and effort with, you have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and how it begins...the visuals look too contrived. The people too beautiful, the scenes too romantic, the sentiments too breathtaking to reflect the 'cold hard asphalt' of real life. They really belong on the covers of valentine's cards...reality is going to dinner with some friends and their friends and striking up a conversation with someone that is really 'interesting' and amazingly they want to meet up with you too in a few days to spend some more time together...reality isn't about lying under a tunnel of trees with an impossible amount of blossoming flowers budding or running snap polls about whether your friends/fans/readers would date people with disabilities and using their responses as fuel for your own misanthropic musings. People. All people whether they like this or not, whether they are willing to admit this or not, are selfish and cruel and self absorbed and after their own rewards that care little about others unless there is some sort of payoff. We are all greedy and selfish. And we are prone to greatness as well. To tear swelling grandeur and beauty of action. The stuff that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing. So it is of little surprise and even less worth knowing that those 'bastad' men are not prepared to date a disabled woman because she is physically challenged. These are the same men you want to sweep you off your feet and kiss you passionately that you want to make hot love with. These are the same men you so desperately want to love you. And these guys have the courage and strength to be honest and straight with you. They are the gems! But you seem as picky and stubborn about what you want as they seem closed and unwilling to date a person that has a disability. You want someone to love you unconditionally like your father did but you are not willing to love others (friends?) in the same way judging by your reactions to their answers. And here is the nub of the thing that I slowly learnt all those years ago...you can't expect to live by your own exclusive set of rules and expect others to follow a different set of rules when dealing with you. How you expect others to treat you can only ever be aligned with how you treat others. Don't expect men to be undiscriminating when it comes to their being prepared to date you when you yourself ARE discriminating toward them as evidenced by your reactions to their answers. If you REALLY want to meet someone and start along this journey, stop trying, give it up and get on living your life. Stay social, mix with people and thrive in your own company. When you truly can happily live the rest of your life alone without that 'special someone' it is only at this point that they will appear for you. And don't ever think EVER that there isn't someone out there that will show you some of the magic that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing because that is how you will make THEM feel and they will just be wanting you to feel it too.

John said...

[PART 2]
Firstly, wanting something too much works against me attaining it. IT pushes other people away and makes me seem too clingy and needy. Secondly, I didn't know anything about myself in a relationship. Had no idea how shallow and selfish I was until it ended and I had time to reflect and make some adjustments to my attitude. It took alot of relationships for me to learn enough to stay and build a committed life with someone and for me it is a daily task of learning and growing and working hard at making it work...From what I can see on your blog which clearly you have spent alot of time and effort with, you have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and how it begins...the visuals look too contrived. The people too beautiful, the scenes too romantic, the sentiments too breathtaking to reflect the 'cold hard asphalt' of real life. They really belong on the covers of valentine's cards...reality is going to dinner with some friends and their friends and striking up a conversation with someone that is really 'interesting' and amazingly they want to meet up with you too in a few days to spend some more time together...reality isn't about lying under a tunnel of trees with an impossible amount of blossoming flowers budding or running snap polls about whether your friends/fans/readers would date people with disabilities and using their responses as fuel for your own misanthropic musings. People. All people whether they like this or not, whether they are willing to admit this or not, are selfish and cruel and self absorbed and after their own rewards that care little about others unless there is some sort of payoff. We are all greedy and selfish. And we are prone to greatness as well. To tear swelling grandeur and beauty of action. The stuff that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing. So it is of little surprise and even less worth knowing that those 'bastad' men are not prepared to date a disabled woman because she is physically challenged. These are the same men you want to sweep you off your feet and kiss you passionately that you want to make hot love with. These are the same men you so desperately want to love you. And these guys have the courage and strength to be honest and straight with you. They are the gems! But you seem as picky and stubborn about what you want as they seem closed and unwilling to date a person that has a disability. You want someone to love you unconditionally like your father did but you are not willing to love others (friends?) in the same way judging by your reactions to their answers. And here is the nub of the thing that I slowly learnt all those years ago...you can't expect to live by your own exclusive set of rules and expect others to follow a different set of rules when dealing with you. How you expect others to treat you can only ever be aligned with how you treat others. Don't expect men to be undiscriminating when it comes to their being prepared to date you when you yourself ARE discriminating toward them as evidenced by your reactions to their answers. If you REALLY want to meet someone and start along this journey, stop trying, give it up and get on living your life. Stay social, mix with people and thrive in your own company. When you truly can happily live the rest of your life alone without that 'special someone' it is only at this point that they will appear for you. And don't ever think EVER that there isn't someone out there that will show you some of the magic that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing because that is how you will make THEM feel and they will just be wanting you to feel it too.

John said...

[PART 2]
Firstly, wanting something too much works against me attaining it. IT pushes other people away and makes me seem too clingy and needy. Secondly, I didn't know anything about myself in a relationship. Had no idea how shallow and selfish I was until it ended and I had time to reflect and make some adjustments to my attitude. It took alot of relationships for me to learn enough to stay and build a committed life with someone and for me it is a daily task of learning and growing and working hard at making it work...From what I can see on your blog which clearly you have spent alot of time and effort with, you have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and how it begins...the visuals look too contrived. The people too beautiful, the scenes too romantic, the sentiments too breathtaking to reflect the 'cold hard asphalt' of real life. They really belong on the covers of valentine's cards...reality is going to dinner with some friends and their friends and striking up a conversation with someone that is really 'interesting' and amazingly they want to meet up with you too in a few days to spend some more time together...reality isn't about lying under a tunnel of trees with an impossible amount of blossoming flowers budding or running snap polls about whether your friends/fans/readers would date people with disabilities and using their responses as fuel for your own misanthropic musings. People. All people whether they like this or not, whether they are willing to admit this or not, are selfish and cruel and self absorbed and after their own rewards that care little about others unless there is some sort of payoff. We are all greedy and selfish. And we are prone to greatness as well. To tear swelling grandeur and beauty of action. The stuff that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing. So it is of little surprise and even less worth knowing that those 'bastad' men are not prepared to date a disabled woman because she is physically challenged. These are the same men you want to sweep you off your feet and kiss you passionately that you want to make hot love with. These are the same men you so desperately want to love you. And these guys have the courage and strength to be honest and straight with you. They are the gems! But you seem as picky and stubborn about what you want as they seem closed and unwilling to date a person that has a disability. You want someone to love you unconditionally like your father did but you are not willing to love others (friends?) in the same way judging by your reactions to their answers. And here is the nub of the thing that I slowly learnt all those years ago...you can't expect to live by your own exclusive set of rules and expect others to follow a different set of rules when dealing with you. How you expect others to treat you can only ever be aligned with how you treat others. Don't expect men to be undiscriminating when it comes to their being prepared to date you when you yourself ARE discriminating toward them as evidenced by your reactions to their answers. If you REALLY want to meet someone and start along this journey, stop trying, give it up and get on living your life. Stay social, mix with people and thrive in your own company. When you truly can happily live the rest of your life alone without that 'special someone' it is only at this point that they will appear for you. And don't ever think EVER that there isn't someone out there that will show you some of the magic that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing because that is how you will make THEM feel and they will just be wanting you to feel it too.

John said...

[PART 2]
Firstly, wanting something too much works against me attaining it. IT pushes other people away and makes me seem too clingy and needy. Secondly, I didn't know anything about myself in a relationship. Had no idea how shallow and selfish I was until it ended and I had time to reflect and make some adjustments to my attitude. It took alot of relationships for me to learn enough to stay and build a committed life with someone and for me it is a daily task of learning and growing and working hard at making it work...From what I can see on your blog which clearly you have spent alot of time and effort with, you have some unrealistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and how it begins...the visuals look too contrived. The people too beautiful, the scenes too romantic, the sentiments too breathtaking to reflect the 'cold hard asphalt' of real life. They really belong on the covers of valentine's cards...reality is going to dinner with some friends and their friends and striking up a conversation with someone that is really 'interesting' and amazingly they want to meet up with you too in a few days to spend some more time together...reality isn't about lying under a tunnel of trees with an impossible amount of blossoming flowers budding or running snap polls about whether your friends/fans/readers would date people with disabilities and using their responses as fuel for your own misanthropic musings. People. All people whether they like this or not, whether they are willing to admit this or not, are selfish and cruel and self absorbed and after their own rewards that care little about others unless there is some sort of payoff. We are all greedy and selfish. And we are prone to greatness as well. To tear swelling grandeur and beauty of action. The stuff that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing. So it is of little surprise and even less worth knowing that those 'bastad' men are not prepared to date a disabled woman because she is physically challenged. These are the same men you want to sweep you off your feet and kiss you passionately that you want to make hot love with. These are the same men you so desperately want to love you. And these guys have the courage and strength to be honest and straight with you. They are the gems! But you seem as picky and stubborn about what you want as they seem closed and unwilling to date a person that has a disability. You want someone to love you unconditionally like your father did but you are not willing to love others (friends?) in the same way judging by your reactions to their answers. And here is the nub of the thing that I slowly learnt all those years ago...you can't expect to live by your own exclusive set of rules and expect others to follow a different set of rules when dealing with you. How you expect others to treat you can only ever be aligned with how you treat others. Don't expect men to be undiscriminating when it comes to their being prepared to date you when you yourself ARE discriminating toward them as evidenced by your reactions to their answers. If you REALLY want to meet someone and start along this journey, stop trying, give it up and get on living your life. Stay social, mix with people and thrive in your own company. When you truly can happily live the rest of your life alone without that 'special someone' it is only at this point that they will appear for you. And don't ever think EVER that there isn't someone out there that will show you some of the magic that just squeezes the very air from your body kind of incredible and amazing because that is how you will make THEM feel and they will just be wanting you to feel it too.

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