Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #121

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
Remember when I said I wanted us to come to each other and be able to tell each other everything? Well, you're starting your duties early, as odd as that may sound. I'm scared, Sweetpea. I'm scared because I feel like this depression has me in its tight clutches. I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm seeing a therapist. And I'm on medication, but I just can't seem to move from this spot I'm in now. It's a quick sand of sorts. I want to move. I'm desperately trying to look ahead into the distance, but all I see is more of the same: sadness, anxiety, fear. It's a chilling prospect when you think about it. I used to be such a fighter, and I'm slowly learning that the term fight as it applies to physical and mental health are two very different things. I'm used to dealing with ailments when it comes to the physical realm of medicine. Those things were a piece of cake. I had a physical problem, went to the doctor, had a surgery and "boom," I was all better.

Well, I'm slowly learning it doesn't exactly work like that where mental health is concerned. Sadly, there's no quick fix, no magic pill that will take all my pain away. I'm railing against this with all my might, Sweetpea. I don't want to have to accept that this is the way things are going to be, at least for awhile. I don't want to accept that, to a certain degree, I am powerless. I've never been powerless when it comes to my health, so why should I have to start now?
Another scary side effect of this depression: I can't write. I mean, I can, but barely. What was once something that came so easily now to me is a struggle. I can't help feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm supposed to be Melissa, The Writer, so who am I if I don't have my writing talent? A nobody? Can you imagine Picasso if he couldn't paint? Rachel Berry if she couldn't sing? It's scary to think that something that used to come as easily to me as breathing is an exhaustive effort right now. Is this going to last forever? Who am I if I'm not a writer? And what if I never write again?
I'm trying to be as positive as I can about everything here, Sweetpea, but it's new territory that I've never traversed. Gosh, that was a horrible sentence. See, I can't even write good sentences. What if it's only a matter of time now? And what can I do to stop it? I sure wish I had some guidance from now. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful set of family and friends surrounding me, but I often wonder what you would have to say about all this. OK, that's enough of my problems for today. I don't want my blog readers thinking this blog is going to turn into some sort of depressing blog. I have to learn to balance the melancholy with the happy - both in life and on this blog, I guess, Sweetpea. Until we meet... xoxo

(Photos via We Heart It)

12 comments:

  1. For what it's worth, Melissa, I'm sending you a hug. xo

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  2. just found your sweet, beautiful blog. hang in there, friend, things will get better and be OK in the end. if it isn't OK, it isn't the end, so keep trucking, hold your head high and know that you have so many blogging friends sending you virtual hugs and well wishes from across the world:)

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  3. I have been there hunny, and I promise you, it does get better. Just hang on in there. Take care of yourself, remember to breathe, and try not to worry too much. You'll find your way again. xx

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  4. I think it's fair to say we've all been there in the mental health dumps to some degree or another. It will get better, it always does! How you feel today is no way a reflection of how you might feel a week from now, a month, a year - sending a hug your way.

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  5. THAT WAS AN AMAZING SENTENCE.
    I'm glad to know you watch Glee.
    Honestly, you have so many people who Love you and Love your writing. DON'T look into the distance, just take it day by day for now. You are an awesome writer, and an awesome person and you're going to get through this!

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  6. Love you, Melissa. Consider yourself hugged by me and your faithful blog-followers. With each new day is a new beginning and my hope/wish/prayer for you is to once again find your lighthearted spirit...it's in there waiting for the heaviness to pass (and it will, my friend, it will!). <3

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  7. Thanks, guys! One day at a time -- sometime even one hour at a time -- is what I've been telling myself.

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  8. sending you hugs and well wishes :) don't worry about letting others down about the writing thing. take care of yourself first.
    you're strong and you'll pull through this, even if it doesn't seem like it now, you will.

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  9. Have you ever read "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron? Reading it and doing some of the exercises in the book helped to get me out of a 2 year writer's block. It's not a catch-all solution, (I am skeptical of self-help regimes that say "Do this one thing and everything will be peachy keen!") It's just one of many tools and resources to help artists and writers when we are stuck. Good luck and take care. - G

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Your lovely comments make my day so much sweeter! Thanks for stopping by and saying hello!

xoxo

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