Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
Remember when I said I wanted us to come to each other and be able to tell each other everything? Well, you're starting your duties early, as odd as that may sound. I'm scared, Sweetpea. I'm scared because I feel like this depression has me in its tight clutches. I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm seeing a therapist. And I'm on medication, but I just can't seem to move from this spot I'm in now. It's a quick sand of sorts. I want to move. I'm desperately trying to look ahead into the distance, but all I see is more of the same: sadness, anxiety, fear. It's a chilling prospect when you think about it. I used to be such a fighter, and I'm slowly learning that the term fight as it applies to physical and mental health are two very different things. I'm used to dealing with ailments when it comes to the physical realm of medicine. Those things were a piece of cake. I had a physical problem, went to the doctor, had a surgery and "boom," I was all better.
Well, I'm slowly learning it doesn't exactly work like that where mental health is concerned. Sadly, there's no quick fix, no magic pill that will take all my pain away. I'm railing against this with all my might, Sweetpea. I don't want to have to accept that this is the way things are going to be, at least for awhile. I don't want to accept that, to a certain degree, I am powerless. I've never been powerless when it comes to my health, so why should I have to start now?
Another scary side effect of this depression: I can't write. I mean, I can, but barely. What was once something that came so easily now to me is a struggle. I can't help feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm supposed to be Melissa, The Writer, so who am I if I don't have my writing talent? A nobody? Can you imagine Picasso if he couldn't paint? Rachel Berry if she couldn't sing? It's scary to think that something that used to come as easily to me as breathing is an exhaustive effort right now. Is this going to last forever? Who am I if I'm not a writer? And what if I never write again?
I'm trying to be as positive as I can about everything here, Sweetpea, but it's new territory that I've never traversed. Gosh, that was a horrible sentence. See, I can't even write good sentences. What if it's only a matter of time now? And what can I do to stop it? I sure wish I had some guidance from now. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful set of family and friends surrounding me, but I often wonder what you would have to say about all this. OK, that's enough of my problems for today. I don't want my blog readers thinking this blog is going to turn into some sort of depressing blog. I have to learn to balance the melancholy with the happy - both in life and on this blog, I guess, Sweetpea. Until we meet... xoxo
(Photos via We Heart It)