Monday, December 13, 2010

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #122

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I've always considered myself to be a pretty open-minded, non-judgmental person. Wouldn't you say that was one of the reasons you fell in love with me, Sweetpea? I don't let one meeting with someone determine how I feel about that person forever. That would be like drinking a bad can of root beer, not liking the taste and never having root beer ever again for the rest of your life. Life isn't that easy. You can't just put your stamp on people and say "Well, that's that," and be done with it. People and situations are, obviously, more complex than that.

It's crazy, isn't it? To think that some people operate under that mentality, as if people are stock photos in clip art, never changing, remaining the same for the rest of infinity. It's ludicrious even.

Which is why I'm still perplexed about my little altercation last week with a certain someone. He wrote again later that night and said that if the feelings aren't there, then they're just not there. Now, I can see how this argument would hold up if we'd been friends for, say, 5 years, but we've only met in person ONCE. ONE TIME, Sweetpea. We've only met in person one time. So, really, there aren't that many experiences on which to base those feelings, are there?
Now, I may be new at all this relationship stuff, but isn't that sort of part of the fun? You don't meet someone and after 15 minutes know if "the feelings are there." You don't sit there with your gavel in hand and if, after only 15 minutes, decide nothing good could ever come of this, you say "You're dismissed." I'm sorry, but life isn't an assembly line of Ford cars here; nor is it a pageant where we go before a panel of judges who decide our fate.

No, no. I'm pretty certain that's not how it works. You go out a few times, casually, to see if any feelings develop. Notice I used the word casual here. It's not like I was pinning the guy down for a wedding date or whipping out a baby name book here. A simple dinner or lunch. That was all. It shouldn't have been that hard, right?
What's the worst that could happen if you never develop googly eyes? At least you had some nice conversation or two with a cool person and potentially have made a new friend. Doesn't seem like a bad deal to me.

Sweetpea, my motto this week has been "you're missing out on a really awesome girl," and I don't think I've forgotten that in spite of all this. Well, at least I hope I haven't. I'm still the girl who doesn't judge people based on a meeting or two. I'm not the girl who automatically dismisses someone. I'm the girl (and always will be) the girl who wants to get to know people - get to know who they are, what they're about, what they're passions are - and enjoy that process without that little voice in my head telling me "Nope, no feelings here. Guess it's time to move on, boys."
That just seems like a miserable way to go through life. If you think you're doing someone a service by "letting them down easy," you're just going to be the one looking like the coward in the end. Because I'll never back down from sitting down at that table and getting to know you. The real you. Until we meet... xoxo

(Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex)

17 comments:

Jenny said...

I too am definitely of the "everyone gets a chance" camp. If this guy isn't willing to even give it a shot, just forget about him, i say!

Jessi Haish said...

This has been one of my favorite letters :)

Hollie said...

I am glad you're taking this stance. And you're right, he's missing out on a good girl. :] Yay for you for having the courage to talk to him!

SilverNeurotic said...

I've found that when there's an instant connection-it usually won't last long term. When you've really got to work at getting to know a person and appreciating them, those are the relationships that are worth holding on to. those are the people who will be sticking around for keeps.

Melissa Blake said...

Yes, silver! I've never understood snap-judgment people.

Molly said...

I love this post! I am the same way. I like to think of myself as very nonjudgemental, and accepting. I love to see that someone else is similar to me in that way! :)

Blondie said...

I agree!!! It always amazes me when guys think they know whether they want to pursue you or not after a 15 minute conversation! Keep being positive honey! Kori xoxo

Anonymous said...

I know it's frustrating to hear that someone you wanted to get to know better doesn't have the smae interest in you but I think you need to feel less frustrated and more proud of how boldly you pursued this and glad to have an answer that didn't waste your time. If he's really not interested it's much better to hear before you go on a couple casual dates and think it's really going well- it really screws with your head. Instead think of it as one less person to delay you from finding guys that really do want to get to know you. ~ Laura

Anonymous said...

Clearly your one meeting with him was enough to let you decide that you wanted to get to know him better. Isn't it also possible that it was enough for him to decide that he wasn't interested?

Believe me, I KNOW that rejection hurts, but if you want people to respect your feelings you have to respect theirs, too. It isn't indicative of some huge character flaw if a guy isn't interested. It isn't cowardice to tell you as much; he was probably trying to avoid leading you on (something you have complained bitterly about in past posts- which he may even have read). It isn't just about what you want; he gets equal say.

April said...

^ exactly what anon said. you judged by one meeting that you'd like to go on a date with him. you're doing the same thing he did, the difference is that he thinks the opposite of what you took from meeting him once.
and sorry but asking him if he would 'wish to change his singleness' (your words from another blog) after meeting him only once might have freaked him out. you don't want to come across as easy or desperate. be his friend first, you don't have to go on a date with him right this second
not being rude or mean, just trying to give you advice :p

Anonymous said...

Hi Melissa -

I think you certainly have a wonderful attitude about getting to know people. My best friend has always said my only flaw is that I judge people too quickly and he is right. I'm the first to admit I have been wrong about people many, many times.

I can understand both your point of view and his point of view. I do believe that there is some inital attraction that yes, even after one meeting you know if there is a possible interest. Conversely, I've had a few male friends that I didn't take further even though they asked but looking back older and wiser...I probably just panicked and things may have turned out differently if I gave them a chance. So I totally understand both sides.

I feel a bit silly passing advice as if I am some sort of expert (I'm not!) but don't take it personally. Who knows what is going on with his life right now or what his real reasons were. Understatement of the year: Men don't always say what they are really thinking. :-)

Best,
K.B.

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Puput Nopitasari said...

You're right. We should know more about a person before we judge him/her.
I often get a dislike feeling to someone whom I am not comfortable to talk to at the first time. I always say I don't like him/her.
my bad. :p

DJAjewels said...

I say you're better off to be without this "Mr. Shallow" and can go on searching now for "Mr. Right!"

Jane said...

I think it's great that you put yourself out there and basically asked this guy out. However, you cannot be bitter that it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Congratulate yourself on your bravery, but don't critsize him for supposed cowardice. As an anon said, he did the same thing you did, but with the opposite result.

Again, I cannot stress enough that if you are ready to date (or at least meet casually for lunch with romantic tones in the future) that you need to join a dating site. I fear you will keep getting the same reaction from guys you are Facebooking, who are not putting themselves on the internet to date. There are plenty of people who are open to meeting new people and seeing where things lead on dating sites. I don't think you'll have much luck trying to connect with someone who isn't on the internet for love.

Melissa Blake said...

Anons -- I do see your point. Just Frustrated, I guess. Eh, I think I need to just give myself a pat on the back here and roll with it... :)

Kehly said...

I totally agree with you. My love and I were very best friends before we started dating. He was in love with me, but I wasn't ready so he just decided to be my best friend and he was okay with that. Later, about eight months later, things changed and we started dating. I fell in love with him and he fell back in love with me. I dunno... I guess everyone's situation is different.

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