MEMO TO MEN: Your cheating heart

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: How NOT to become Ashton & Demi
DATE: December 15, 2011
Cheating. Infidelity. Unfaithful. These are all such taboo words, aren't they? And yet, boys, there's a certain allure to them -- a hint of mystique, if you will. Well, they hold allure at least for some of you. Now, I'm not pointing any fingers here (cough*ASHTON*cough), but this whole cheating, grass-is-always-greener trend has, frankly, over-stayed its welcome. The latest casualty couple: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. I know, boys. You're probably wondering, "What could I possibly learn from a celebrity IT couple?" One word: Plenty. And of course, you're lucky because I'm here to remind you exactly what lessons you can take away from the demise of this supposedly happy couple...

Don't judge a gentleman by his cover
I'll admit that this divorce threw me a bit. I mean, it wasn't on par with a Nick/Jessica split, which sent me to bed for a week from shock (just kidding...), but it seemed like they were on the road to wedded bliss rather than the road to splitsville. And Ashton seemed like the perfect gentleman. Apparently, that wasn't true. So, boys, just because you may act like a gentleman and say all the things any fine gentleman would say, don't think we're not going to do a little Intel with our friends to see if you're getting your gentleman on with them too. Consider it standard operating procedure.

The truth will always come out
You can only keep a secret affair hidden for so long until it becomes, well, decidedly less secret and more public fodder. And technology hasn't helped in the hiding of secrets, either. Might I advise you not to try to deny or excuse your way out of it. It will be easier on everyone if you own up to your actions, trust me. Think about it this way, boys: I've already lost respect for you since I found out about your secret rendezvous...do you really think you can afford to make me lose any more?

Dating younger isn't always better
If you had asked me a couple of years ago, I would have said that dating a younger guy was hands-down the smartest thing invented since the trapper keeper. They make you laugh (the guy, not the trapper keeper). They remind you to have fun (the guy, not the trapper keeper). And they haven't lived life long enough to become jaded and cynical (the guy, not the trapper keeper). It all seemed so perfect. It was all so alluring. Until you ultimately realize it was none of those things. Instead, you come to (painfully) realize that instead of being fun, he's immature. You realize his ability to make you laugh is merely hiding the fact that he refuses to take anything seriously. And you realize that the fact that he hasn't lived life long enough is actually a pretty bad thing and not nearly as good and refreshing as you thought it was. The differences outweigh the good similarities here, and you'll both end up, well, the next Ashton and Demi.
Does this make sense, boys? Anything else you think I missed from this list? Let me know, and remember: Your cheating heart will tell on you... xoxo