Thursday, March 08, 2012

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #152.

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
Last week, I had a dream about my father, Sweetpea. It was the first dream I'd had about him in a long time, and it was one of those vivid, feels-like-it's-real-life dreams. We all knew my father was going to die (still by suicide), but there was nothing we could do to stop it. So we all -- family and friends -- were left to say goodbye to him, knowing we were absolutely helpless. Talk about dreams having deeper meaning, huh?

How many years has it been since my father died? The questions sounds strange, I know, but I wonder how long he'll have been gone by the time we meet. Does it seem like a long time to me? Well, this Saturday marks nine year's since his death. Nine years. When he died I was 21. Now I'm 30. When he died, I was a junior in college. Now I'm a newspaper adviser. Heck, when he died, the world had yet to be introduced to Snooki -- or her burgeoning baby bump. Am I still the same person I was back then? How much have I changed, if I've changed at all?

Truth be told, I still have flashbacks to that day sometimes. Even now, nearly a decade later, it will all just come over me and overwhelm me like a whooshing waterfall running over me. My mom, not wanting me to see the paramedics take my father out of our house, made sure I stayed in the bedroom. But even now, as weird as it may sound, I'm still sharply and abruptly taken aback by everything now and then. Sometimes, everything that's happened just hits me, and I can't help but think to myself, "How did this ever happen? How did we ever get here?"
Because, really, it all just blows my mind. My father will always be 51, but we've all aged. We've lived and aged and had all these experiences, but it's like he'll be frozen in time forever. I can't wrap my head around it

And you and him? I wonder about him meeting you and what that would have been like. In case you haven't figured it out yet, Sweetpea, I wore a pretty big Daddy's Girl sash, so watching you two shake hands for the first time would probably have been an equally big deal. And of course, after you left, we probably would have had a long father-daughter talk about you. I can just imagine my father and I talking about you, him giving me all sorts of advice and words of fatherly wisdom about love and marriage -- did I mention my father was never shy about expressing his feelings, Sweetpea?

A girl in my office recently got engaged, and she said her fiance went to her father before the proposal to get his blessing. Would you have done that? What would my father have said? I can see you doing something like that, trying to work up the courage to approach my father; maybe you even had a speech prepared. And maybe my dad, in his classic over-protective nature, gave you a speech about the importance of marriage and how you have to treasure and take care of one another. Maybe you even walked away from the conversation a bit scared of him, but deep down, you knew he liked you.
But what I'm really, really realizing this year: He's gone. There's so much I'd want to say to him if I got the chance and yet, I'm not even sure if I'd be able to. I'd want to scream and yell and tell him just how angry I am that he just chose to leave and how we didn't have a chance to say goodbye. But when it's all said and done, I'd probably just jump into his arms and tell him how much I love him. Something tells me my anger wouldn't seem so important in that moment. In that moment, I'd probably just tell him how much I've missed him. Until we meet... xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]

17 comments:

Maggie said...

thank you for sharing such intimate and personal thoughts with us. this is so beautifully written and moving, you sure have a gift! i bet your dad is really proud.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful, Melissa.

Anonymous said...

Oh how sad this is for you! So much emotion and effort tied up in pouring your heart out to a Mr. Melissa Blake, who doesn't even exist, and now you've added creating elaborate scenarios between this mythical man and your father, who, unfortunately, is no longer here with you. I understanding missing our loved ones, as I, too, have lost people very close to me. But I choose to keep myself busy and productive and socially engaged. I try not to cling to the past or to a future that can never be. A memory is a beautiful thing to cherish. Remember your dad for what he was...your father, whom you loved. Take the beautiful memory and keep in your heart, keep it dignified and keep it personal. If Mr. Melissa Blake ever does materialize, by all means, share the memory. But don't obsess over "what if......." Get busy living your life...I think that's what your dad would want you to do.

Melissa Blake said...

Last Anon -- people process and grieve the loss of a loved ones in different ways. So what works for one person may not work for another person. You've chosen to keep busy; that works for you. What works for me is writing about it. That's how I've always processed things, even when I was younger.

And regarding the scenarios in this letter, I don't know any woman who has lost her father before she got married and hasn't thought about what it would have been like if her father had been there. It's only natural. It doesn't mean you're clinging to the past or can't "get over it" -- it means you loved your father and wish he could have shared this special day with you. It means he's still a part of your life, even if not physically.

P.S. The beauty of the future is just that -- it can be anything. Mr. Melissa Blake included. :)

Melissa Blake said...

p.s. th more i write these letters, too, the more I realize they're not all about just writing literally to my future husband. they're just as much for a future husband as they are for me. they help me process my life better than anything. xoxo

Alexa said...

Melissa, I am once again so captivated by your writing. This time I cried a little bit, it made me think of my own dad, whom I adore and I am glad he could walk me down the aisle. But I know several girls who were not or will not have that honor. Regardless, when Mr. Melissa Blake does say I do, I think your dad will be there, in his own little way. Hope you are well. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Please understand, I meant no offense. Writing is a great way to process thoughts and feelings. If that's what helps you keep your father's memory alive, then it's a very good thing. I do, however, detect such pain and sadness in your writing. You seem so desperate for a male figure to be present in your life, whether husband or father. By writing extensively to a potential husband (152 letters??) what exactly are you "processing" there? Clearly you love to imagine a husband in your future. It's a great distraction, it's fun and it's harmless. But my heart aches for you because I truly do not think he's going to magically appear without you being at least a little bit pro-acttive. You CAN meet this man, I want you to, your readers probably do as well. But my only point is....you're going to have to push yourself away from the computer screen and place yourself somewhere where Mr. Melissa Blake is likely to cross paths with you. Then your life has the potential to change dramatically. You could date, you could fall in love, you could even marry! You have the power to make your dreams a reality! You say your writing helps you process....but the true peace comes when you find that you are able to spend less time "processing" and more time LIVING. Unfortunately, I think you still have a ways to go. I do wish you the best!

Melissa Blake said...

These letters are fun to write, plain and simple. Not all of them are sad, and contrary to what you might think, I'm neither sad nor desperate. So please, don't let your heart ache for me...I don't need it to. I'm just fine.

Anonymous said...

This was very sad. I agree with some others, this was a very cute idea, but I think it petered out at 100 letters. Now, you are rehashing a lot of the same stuff, there have been several letters about your dad. I think that it's great that you are processing your emotions, but at the same time it is depressing that you are not only speculating about a husband that may never come, you are also speculating about things that absolutely will never happen. Your dad can't ever have a conversation with your future husband, but I think most women who lost their fathers would not be upset about this fact until they at least had a serious boyfriend.

I think you need to take a few steps back and work on the idea of dating guys and how you will make that happen. As readers, we never seen anything action-oriented, we just read your thoughts. You spend so much time thinking, wishing, and dreaming, do you spend any time doing anything? Men don't come 'a courtin' around the neighborhood looking for someone to marry. You will have to take a risk and put yourself out there in some way in order to meet a significant other. If you continue to want this goal, then you need to do something to acheive it just like you did with the other goals in your life.

Anonymous said...

Meeting Sweetpea.............
Moving to New York...........
Publishing a book............
Publishing a song............
Becoming a star..............
Having a wedding.............
Touring Europe...............

You are dreaming your life away, missy!!!!!!!

Melissa Blake said...

As I've said before, yes, I'd like to do those things. One day. But for now, I'm content with my life.

As for these letters, I only average 1 per week and they're one of my favorite things to write, so I'm not planning on ending them any time soon. I wanted to write about my father today, especially because of his death anniversary tomorrow.

Hope this clears things up, and remember: Everyone's story is different. That's what makes them so unique.

Hollie said...

I love your letters!

And these Anons. My gosh. I can't even wrap my mind around what's going on here. Why not just move on and find something else to read, if you don't like what you see here? This is Melissa's life, let her live it as SHE sees fit.

Anonymous said...

You're already 30! When are you planning on doing these things? You are only going to get older, more stuck in your ways, less mobile, and more beaten down by life. That happens to everyone. The time is now! You have nothing stopping you except yourself.

Anonymous said...

Of course you should live her life as you see fit but your blog posts indicate, quite clearly, that you want something more than what you have.

Further, although you frequently tell others how to think with scant evidence that they are as wrong as you believe and/or that they want your direction, here, we don't have to guess at how you feel and you repeatedly call us friends and invite comments. You seem to only embrace the comments from those who agree with you. That's your prerogative, but I think the majority of the dissenters are not trying to hurt you, only to push you a little towards a change for the better.

I am sorry about your father, I wish you comfort in the upcoming weekend.

Melissa Blake said...

As I've outlined before, bullying belittling and berating of anyone will not be tolerated. A review of the Anonymous Commenting Policy, for those who haven't read it...


I won't stand for attacking, belittling or otherwise sheer nastiness just for the sake of putting other people down. While I want this blog to be an open forum, I've always wanted it to be an open forum for the exchange of ideas, not verbal, repeated and just plain low and petty assaults cowardly veiled behind anonymity.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, as a brand new reader to your blog, I'm gonna weigh in. Most comments from the "Anons" are not meant to hurt you. But they are absolutely right. You may not want to hear this, but you definately write in one frame of mind and live your life entirely different. If you were writing fiction, there would be no issue. I've been reading past posts to bring myself up to speed. One thing that stands out is your seemingly lack of friends. As in....physical friends. Never once do you mention socializing with anyone other than your mother. You go to movies, you eat at restaurants, but where are the friends your own age??? Maybe I missed something???? So a few questions for YOU would be...do you or do you not socialize with good friends in your leisure time? If so...what do you and your friends enjoy doing? This question is not meant to be mean-spiritied in any way, shape or form. Just an honest question from a new reader. And by the way, the next question I would have is....why don't your friends introduce you to someone??? If they are your friends, certainly they love you & know you well. I'm just curious what that has never happened. Enjoy your day!

Anonymous said...

You aren't the only one who writes to your future spouse.

Search "Letters to Luthien"

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