I've talked about dreams before, and I've come to one conclusion: Our minds have a funny way of working things out that we aren't even aware need fixing, don't they?
I'll be the first to confess that I've always had a love/hate relationship with dreams. The rational side of me wants to dismiss them as nothing more than our brain's neurons firing while we're sleeping. Other times, though, like the past few weeks, I can't help but think there has to be some sort of deeper meaning
Yet, take a recent dream of mine. My whole family -- my mom, my dad and my sister -- is together. We know my father is going to commit suicide at the end of the day, and we also know that there is nothing we'll be able to do to stop it. So, in my dream, we must go through the day, knowing full well how it will end.
Needless to say, friends, the dream rattled me. It's played in my head at least twice this month, and each time, I've jolted awake with a feeling of panic. I've never blamed myself for my father's death. In fact, no one in my family has ever blamed themselves -- something I've always been so thankful for since playing the blame game is all too common when a loved one commits suicide. But each time I woke up, I felt the sting of those feelings...
*What could I have done differently?
*What did I miss?
Granted, I know those questions are leftovers from my dream, but why now? I took my question to the most logical place: My therapist. We got to talking about transition, and then I sort of had that light bulb moment.
My sister is graduating from college in a few weeks.
It's the closing of another life chapter, and whether I admit it or not, another chapter my father missed out on. Sure, I am so grateful for all the times we had together, but it's only natural to notice when someone isn't there to mark such a milestone with you.
And then, we got to talking about what I would say to my father if I could have one more day with him. At first, I rattle off the usual list, which includes yelling at him and telling him everything he's missed in the last 9 years. But then I thought about this: Wouldn't I really just want one more hug? One more time of hearing his classic chuckle? One more of anything?
So, it looks like my mind is at work even when I'm sleeping. What about you, friends? Do you look for the meaning behind your dreams? What have you come up with? Do you think people have the same dreams over and over for a reason?
[Photos via We Heart It]