Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #158.

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
It seems to happen every year without fail. Around this time, during the warm days of early summer, I get to thinking about all things wedding and marriage. Well, more so than usual anyway. It no doubt has something to do with the fact that most everyone in my family said "I do" in the summer and the fact that there's just something so romantic and magical about this time of year. It's the romantics version of the Christmas season, I suppose.

So when I came across these six mistakes newlyweds make, I immediately thought, "OK, this is great. All newlyweds should avoid these mistakes at all costs." After all, if a couple makes too many mistakes in the early days of their marriage, then everything is doomed, right? You just can't go back after those sorts of mistakes, can you?

It also got me thinking about my own parents, whose anniversary was just last week. They didn't follow all those marriage rules and were, hands-down the most in-love couple I've ever known. Need proof, Sweetpea? Well, here are three mistakes they made -- things that they didn't do "by the book -- but had a happy marriage anyway...

Never go to bed angry
I'm not quite sure how this rule ever got started in the first place. Although I never remember my parents fighting about huge things, we always used to joke that all the huge fighting was transferred to squabbles over little things, like what to keep the thermostat set on and how long it's safe to eat yogurt after the sell-by date. And yes, sometimes they did go to bed angry over these minor tiffs, and that was OK. It didn't mean their entire marriage was crumbling around them. It didn't mean they were headed to divorce court. It just meant that they were human. They'd invariably wake up the next morning having moved past said squabble.

Spend all your time together
Were we inseparable when we first got married, Sweetpea? I can picture myself feeling a bit guilty if we're not, but is this something we should really be feeling guilty about? Not being with each other 24/7 doesn't mean we don't love each other. Maybe it just means we're so secure and comfortable in our relationship that we know being apart doesn't mean we love each other any less. And if I get to harping on this issue, Sweetpea, just remind me of this letter, alright?

Make all money decisions together
To me, making every single money decision together just seems downright impractical and a bit archaic (the same is true for letting you handle all the finances, just so you know...). True, we should make all major decision together -- like buying a house or that huge indoor pool I'll be lobbying for -- but I'm pretty sure we'll each be capable of making responsible financial decisions without the other one being present.
And that's when it hit me, Sweetpea: I don't want our marriage to be perfect. Especially in the early days -- where we're still sort of wearing our relationship training wheels -- I don't want us to expect everything to be a picture-perfect walk in the park. We'll probably get caught in the rain a time or two -- maybe even sometimes without umbrella. We're going to make mistakes, and that's OK. Really. After all, when you think about it, how boring would a marriage be if everything went smoothly and perfectly? Sure, there are still some no-nos I won't stand for (Like cheating! And pressuring me! And taking Peter Pan a bit too literally!), but maybe making smaller mistakes will make us even more happy in the long-run. Doesn't that make sense, Sweetpea? I look forward to seeing what mistakes we end up making. Until we meet... xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]


  1. I loved reading this. John used to get scared when we'd have an argument that it was some sort of terrible omen, and finally he realized that neither one of us went anywhere after it! If you're not making mistakes, you're probably not trying hard enough!

  2. Did you actually read something that recommends spending all of your time together?

  3. No, Anon -- I just meant that some newlyweds want to spend all their time together in the early parts of their marriage.

  4. I think the best advice is probably just to do what feels right for you. If you go to bed angry then fine, just dont let it drag on for days and days if its something stupid. I often go to bed a bit annoyed and wake up realising i was only upset because I was tired!

  5. My parents use to always go to bed on an argument - not for my fathers choosing however. It was my mam, she can hold and argument and a grudge out for days. In turn that's made me really scared of arguments [she was amazing at going silent treatment to anyone]. With regards to me and my guy although we have our little fall outs they never last that long.

  6. No relationship is perfect, is it? Whether it's parent-child, siblings, or a marriage. If everyone just keeps trying, that's all one can hope for.

  7. My parents were sort of the same way, mom would get so much more upset than my dad. But when my dad got going, he could hold a grudge himself.

  8. Oh yeah, the going to bed angry thing is definitely going to happen. I'm not married, but in a long term relationship. And I agree it always starts with something ridiculous! One of the few benefits of being in a long distance relationship for me has been I put a LOT of stuff aside because time is too precious to waste arguing. Like "OK he's turning the radio on too loud for the billionth time's not a big deal. We only have one day together. Let it go..."

    I asked him once what one of his favorite things about me was and he said that he knows even if we have a fight, it's going to be okay. I was touched. That's something hard for me to accept, that he can be angry at me but still love me to death - even though I know I feel that way toward him.

  9. My husband and I were married in November. I didn't want to get married in the summer for a number of reasons. We got engaged on a cliche day (Valentine's Day). but it was for a good reason-- my grandmother and I were very close and she was having health issues. My husband wanted her to know that I was going to be ok, otherwise he would have waited a few more weeks to the anniversary of our first date. We actually married 9 months to the day later (Nov 14). This yr it will be anniversary # 14. While we do not spend all of our time together we do spend time together and we miss each other if there has been too much time a apart. (I have been in the hospital a few times and then I have also gone on trips as my father's companion because he didn't want to travel alone--and I am the only one of my siblings who could go at the time).
    The first thing that I have to say about my husband and I is that we are good friends.


Your lovely comments make my day so much sweeter! Thanks for stopping by and saying hello!


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