Monday, June 25, 2012

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #159.

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
Where did you learn about love? I know, it may sound like a pretty strange question, especially if I sling it your way in the early days of our courtship. But, it's an important question nonetheless. I'm not talking about the good old birds and the bees talk here, Sweetpea. I'll assume you've taken a health class by the time we meet. I'm talking about love -- what it is, how it works, how to keep it going, how to put a metaphorical band-aid on it when it gets a little bruised and hurt, how to know when to let it go, how to know when to hold on to it, how to nurture it, how to protect yourself from it, how to open yourself up to it.

Is your head spinning yet? I know, mine too. Remember those marriage rules my parents taught me to break? Well, as ironic as it sounds, they're also the people who taught me everything else I know about love. From the everyday lessons to life-changing moments, here are three lessons my parents passed down to me, sometimes, without even knowing it...

True love is measured in small moments
When my aunt was visiting over the weekend, we got to talking about how my parents met. My mom said when they were first dating, my dad would come over to my mom's house after she got off work, and they'd spend hours on the couch just talking. My mom's parents would get up in the middle of the night and ask, "Brian, are you still here," and yes, he'd still be there. My parents weren't going out for a night on the town to some fancy restaurant. Some may say that their "date night" was decidedly boring, but if you ask me, that's the perfect, most romantic way of getting to know someone.

Life-changing events either pull you closer or push you apart
Luckily for my parents, all the life-changing moments they experienced as a couple brought them closer together. It's sadly not uncommon for parents of children with disabilities to divorce because of all the stress, but not my parents. They were both right there with me. During every surgery. During every hospital stay. They made my childhood magical despite all the unmagicalness (is that even a word...?) of the medical world.

The reality is more magical than the myth
This is one I'm still working on, but I'm getting there. It's tempting to fall in love with the idea of what could be, of who the other person could be, but you'll undoubtedly fall down a rabbit hold doing that. It won't be genuine. After all, who could ever live up to someone else's fantasy? My parents fell in love with who the other person really was, not who they wanted them to be. Sure, there were quirks and annoyances that my parents couldn't stand about the other, but at least it all was real.

When you think about it, our parents are the greatest teachers when it comes to love. They can either teach us what to do or what not to do, depending on the situation. I'm just glad I had such good role models in my parents. Let's be those same role models for our own children, OK, Sweetpea? Until we meet... xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]


  1. This letter just made me tear up–so beautiful and sweet.

  2. Darling..I agree with Lena! :) beautiful, sweet and...WISE! #1 and 2 are adorable. Absolutely nothing to add. As for #3, u never ever can fall in love with someone's potential. Fastest road to unhappiness! I guess the key is to embrace the flows and learn to live with them or just balance if it's worth it to do so. Nobody is perfect! :) Besitos!

  3. Elsa -- "you can never fall in love with someone's potential." I LOVE that!!

  4. p.s. thanks for these kind words! xoxo

  5. Melissa,

    OMG!!! My boyfriend (now my husband who is also named Brian by the way) used to spend hours at my house just talking. In fact, we still spend hours talking. My dad also came down to check on us under the guise of getting a drink of water. If my mom came down, he would pull her into the conversation and she would spend half the night with us talking and laughing. I remember this one time when Brian was staying for dinner and he was in the living room talking to my mother while my dad (whose middle name is Brian LOL) and I were preparing dinner. He told me he liked Brian even though he was "weird." Brian heard it and yelled out and insisted to be referred to as eccentric because rich people were eccentric and poor people were weird. My mom described Brian as a cross between Thurston Howell III and Arthur Bach but without the alcholism. When I said that, Brian actually ran upstairs to my parents bedroom and woke them up. It startled the hell out of my father. We ended up all sitting in their bed and watching a Fred Astaire movie. After that, he started calling my mom Gilligan or Little Buddy and me Lovie. Sorry to write a novel, Melissa, but your parents' story is so much like me and Brian. I hope you can someday find a love like ours. Good luck.

  6. Brilliant post. I love it, and your blog in general. Keep it up! Posts like this always brighten my day.

  7. A beautiful and brilliant letter; I could wish more people grasped the realities of love as well as you do.

    My father taught me about love and that it was based in trust and acceptance; that it was kept going by accomodating one another and that one should always want the person their with as much as they need them.

    The most important thing he taught me about love is that it is active; that love should be lived as a verb and not dreamed about as a noun...if that makes sense?

  8. Bleagh! They're, not their...not awake yet!

  9. Wonderful post! I agree that our parents are our greatest teachers when it comes to relationships, respect and love.

  10. Lovie -- that is such a beautiful story! Sounds just like my parents!! xoxo

  11. p.s. lara, thanks so much for the kind words! xoxo

  12. You are very wise here, love. xoxo

  13. I'm not sure why you would want a husband. We men have been told for 50 years that "A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle." Is having a man in your life like a Prada handbag? You would really like one but you don't NEED it?

    We have also been told that marriage was invented by men to dominate and subjugate and control females. So why on Earth would you want to be dominated, subjugated and controlled? Are females completely mad?


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