Monday, September 17, 2012

MEMO TO MEN: Marriage mistakes and the TomKat divorce

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Don't repeat these marriage mistakes
DATE: September 17, 2012
Today, boys, let's take a closer look at the TomKat divorce, shall we? By now, I'm sure you've had time to calm down and aren't still reeling from the shock of the June announcement that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were headed to Splitsville. Or maybe the news didn't come as such a shock after all? Honestly, I can't say I, for one, was all that shocked when they purchased a ticket to the Expressway of Divorce. But what surprised me? No one was all that quick to discuss the lessons that can be learned from TomKat's demise -- maybe they were too busy rejoicing over the fact that the world won't be subjected to Tom's couch-jumping antics, at least for awhile?

Whatever the reason, boys, I got to thinking, and there are quite a few lessons worth taking away from their demise. We've talked about divorce before, but today, I give you four lessons about love, marriage and divorce, courtesy of TomKat...

Quickie marriages rarely work
Let's just get this one out of the way first: I'm not a fan of the meet-today-married-tomorrow approach to love. And you can be sure there's no way I'll be walking down the aisle toward you until we have a firm and solid history behind us. Time gives you perspective. Time gives you the chance to grow and grow together. Time gives you the chance to fall in love with the other person -- or realize that you want to run in the other direction...and fast!

When one spouse is controlling, the entire marriage suffers
Marriage, by definition, is a partnership. Once that partnership has been violated (read: Tom, what was up with you making Katie into a Stepford wife?), a lot of the trust that made said marriage work is gone. And, boys, that sort of trust is something you can just never get back. Ever. People need to be free to be themselves -- or things will be over before the pianist finishes the wedding march.

Getting married doesn't mean you should lose your individuality
Maybe it was just me, boys, but in the years following TomKat's wedding, it was sad to see just how much Katie began to fade into the background. It was almost as if she didn't exist at the end, instead becoming a sort of ghost of her former self. And no one should ever be made to be a ghost when it comes to love. Love should make you shine, not fade.

Each person has to speak up for themselves
Let's face it: No one is going to do it for you. If you're not happy, say something. You know I will, boys. It's not weak to be honest and admit what you need.
In fact, it's a pretty sexy thing, this whole honesty-in-relationships thing. That's the sign of a real, well, honest relationship. Don't you think, boys...? xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]


  1. John and I have been discovering new depths of honesty in our relationship, and I just can't imagine life without them–it isn't always easy, but boy is it good!

  2. Marriage is work and both parties have to be willing to put in their share. One person is not always going to get their way. The work is something that makes the union worth while makes the communication worthwhile. There is give and take in the relationship and both parties have to be willing to stand by the other during hard times.

  3. One important thing that I've learned from being in a 4 year relationship is that people change and we need to expect that and allow it. I'm not the the person I was 5 years ago so why should I expect change not to happen. Marriage is about learning to grow with one another.

  4. Great advice across the board. It's not possible to have a perfect relationship, but you both have to be willing to work at it!

  5. I don't think that Katie ever lost her individuality or faded away. She was a young mother caring for her first child. Perhaps she was more concerned with being a Mom to her daughter than being in the limelight next to Tom Cruise all the time. And there is nothing wrong with that. Many women would love to have the financial means to take time away from their careers, whether they are actors, lawyers, teachers, waitresses, etc, to be full-time parents.

  6. From a married lady: you got it, Melisaa.

    I agree.

  7. Exactly, Lena -- the best things aren't always the easiest!

  8. Good for you, Samantha -- the freedom to grow and change is so important.

    I do have trouble with change, but am trying to look at it in a glass-is-half-full sort of way, you know?


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