Monday, July 29, 2013

Love Lounge: On first loves and perspective

Well, leave it to an anniversary of sorts to get me thinking about first loves. Again. I looked at the date this morning, and thought to myself, "Oh, wow, so it's July 29th. What a day this once was."

Truthfully, I was right. Once upon a time, it was a day. It was the day, in fact. Now, before I say too much more, I suppose I should preface things by saying that I don't technically "celebrate" said anniversary in the traditional sense -- no fancy dinners or red roses -- so there's no need to think I'm on the edge of sanity or anything. If anything, it's more a symbolic anniversary.

So, what exactly is this anniversary, you wonder? I wrote about Crush Boy in my diary for the first time 18 years ago. Yes! Eighteen years!

July 29th, 1995.

The prose I wrote? It wasn't anything all too earth-shattering -- something along the lines of "My parents' friends' son is such a major babe." Little did I know the grand odyssey those little words would take me on. By the next year, in July 1996, my 14-year-old self spent hours waxing poetic about how I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Yes, spending my life with him. As in the soul-mates, forever, can't-live-without-him kind. Yes, I was dead serious. That was it. My heart was his. He'd already stolen it, even if he didn't know it.
Flash-forward 14 years, and we all know how that little love affair ended -- err, I guess ended before it even began is a bit more accurate -- and I'm left questioning everything I ever thought I knew about first loves and heartbreak. And then a few months ago, I had one of those slaps-you-in-the-face realizations. Ready? Are you really ready? Put on your seat belt.

My cousin's daughter turned 14 in May. Translation: She's practically the same age I was when I fell head-over-heels hard for Crush Boy. But, really, this can't be. I mean, she's so...young. How could she possibly fall in love at that age? How could I have possibly fallen in love at that age. It just doesn't seem possible at all. And how could I ever have thought it would last?

I ran into Crush Boy a couple weeks ago. Since he tried asking me out on that half date some four years ago, we haven't mentioned the incident at all to each other. At all. In fact, we haven't even talked that much, period. We've barely made nice pleasantries, actually. And during that chance meeting a couple weeks ago? Well, we didn't even say one word to each other. I don't know what he was feeling, but I swear that you could have cut a knife through the awkward tension. What were we supposed to say to each other? What is there left to say? Anything I say would probably just complicate things even more -- maybe that's why I'll just stick to writing about it on the blog? I mean, he was once everything I thought I'd ever want, and at the same time, nothing at all. I hated that about him. And I loved that about him. And now, I just don't know how or what to feel.
Perspective is a funny thing, isn't it, friends? Have you ever felt this way? What did you do? Any advice? I'd love to hear! xoxo

[Photos via Le Love]


  1. Throughout my adolescence, I faced a lot of rejection. And now, at the risk of sounding completely shallow, I'm so glad it didn't work out, because very few of my crushes aged well! I also dated a guy after high school who I thought was "the one", and now I thank God everyday that I dodged that bullet. Yikes.

    Try to remain open; it's hard to take risks, but it's well worth it. When I first met my husband, I didn't think he was my type. And maybe he wasn't. But what he is is more important. He's my best friend and soul mate. And little did I know that when I decided to ask out the curly-headed kid who sat in front of me in art history!

  2. Haha I was too cynical at that age I sorta didn't get crushes. I was an alternative goth punk rock kid.

    Ali of

    Dressing Ken

  3. I thought I was in love at 14 too. He was really more like my best friend, someone who I got along with impeccably. But even though of course the relationship ended and stupidly so- as all little romances do- it taught me so much about what I should have in a real marriage and real love. I know that I should be best friends with my husband, and have fun together! And that like and love are two different things. And maybe most importantly that for a relationship to thrive, you need both like AND love. After we broke up forever ago, we didn't talk again really after it nor did we end up having real closure. But I know that we both think of it as a fun time in our lives no matter how poorly it ended! Now, years and years later, he's in jail for drunk driving and accidental manslaughter of our best friend! Sad story.

  4. Sharde, thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you were able to learn so much...what a wonderful way of looking at things! xoxo

  5. Awww, that's awesome, Carrie Ann...thanks for the advice!


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