Monday, January 13, 2014

MEMO TO MEN: Wow, really? Clearing the air...

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Them's fightin' words...
DATE: January 13th, 2014
I suppose I should preface this by saying that I don't know if the following comments were made by men or not. But I am quite sure of one thing, boys: We could all benefit from a little refresher. Right? Of course right. So, remember when I guest posted for The Militant Baker a couple weeks ago? I was reading through the nice comments recently -- well, most of the nice comments, anyway -- when I came to two comments that flashed like neon signs. Actually, more like neon signs that hit me on the head and nearly knocked me over. The first...

You lose sympathy for her when you realize she isn't interested in dating disabled men on wheelchairs. She's talking about her "struggles" with dating fit, regular-sized, able bodied men.

Hmm, interesting. It seems I can deduce two things from your comment, whoever you are. One, you must read my blog, so thank you. And two, you must read my blog, but not very closely. You see, if you read my blog on a regular basis (and who wouldn't want to...?), you'd know that I've addressed the whole dating disabled men issue a looong time ago. It just feels sort of like old news now. Really, it just feels like you're grasping at straws here, and that's most definitely not very attractive. At all. But, in the interest of full disclosure, and just so there's never anymore confusion, of course I would date a man in a wheelchair. Part of me is even sad that I have to come right out and be so blunt about a question like that. After all, it's'd think we'd have come farther than that.

But it was the second comment that made me roll my eyes and let out a huge sigh like Judge Judy when the defendant just has no idea how all that stolen merchandise got in his car. This comment is one heck of a dozy, boys, so prepare yourself...

Melissa cannot accept the fact that men are not attracted to her. Unfair as it may be, the wheelchair DOES matter. Her disfigurement DOES matter. It doesn't matter how smart, witty, or sarcastic she is. She might have better luck concentrating on men who are disabled and disfigured like her.

Again, it's 2014. Come on. I can't help but feel like disfigured is such a derogatory term here. And thank goodness I'm not as pessimistic as this commenter. I have a hard time believing that all men would recoil in terror at the sight of me. Do you know how many men there are on this planet? A ton.
Now, I won't pretend that I'm surprised by these sorts of comments. After all, five years of blogging has given me a pretty thick skin. I've learned to take these sorts of words with a minuscule grain of salt. In fact, I've even mastered the whole routine: Read comment, scrunch face like Judge Judy, feel said comment metaphorically roll off my back. But there are times when I need to stand up for myself -- and for all women with disabilities. This is one of those times.

So, the lesson here, boys? Don't believe everything you read about me. Chances are, it's not true. Love is a lot more thrilling and complicated than what you see on the surface. Unless it's a comment from one of the people above. Then it probably is just empty and shallow. But I believe in you and trust that you'll know the difference between the two... xoxo

[Photo via Le Love]


  1. Melissa, I'm so sorry you had to read that garbage, but even more so that these shitty, negative comments were ever thought, much less written down. Your positive attitude and grace are always inspiring.

  2. wow. that's some ballsy comments from that guy! Yeah, as someone with a disability....that kind of narrow mindedness gets really old. I have a boyfriend, who is very able bodied..and even good looking and I can't handle the note of shock in people's voice when they meet him. It diminishes my worth a bit.

  3. I am sorry about your experience. People are generally blunter on the internet. Knowing that, however, doesn't help. Comments like that still bite. But I agree with other commenter that you are taking the negative experience and turning it into a positive message. I think a lot of bloggers can learn from you. Keep on writing!

  4. I work in a Dyslexia and Disability Dept in a University and I've met a lot of people with a whole host of conditions - some single, some dating people with similar conditions, but many dating people who are different from them, (either able bodied or with another condition). I know a few guys who wouldn't date someone in a wheelchair, but most of the responses I've seen have been very positive. I think the people who made those comments are underestimating many men these days... and women! The main difference I've seen is not about the condition but the attitude they have towards it. Melissa, you have plenty of attitude and confidence and I think that is much more important than the ways in which your body may be different from your partners....

  5. Wow. :( That second comment brought tears to my eyes... It never fails to amaze me how cruel some people can be, especially to complete strangers.

    We all have our own crosses to bear in some way or another.. It doesn't devalue a person because of it. It sickens me that some people cannot see beyond what they see on the surface..

    Kudos to you for having a thick skin and standing strong against ignorant individuals. ♥

  6. Good grief! What is wrong with people?! I'm sorry you had to put up with such cruelty and ignorance.

  7. YES! Kimmie, took the words right out of my mouth!

  8. Thanks so much for the kind words, friends! xoxo


Your lovely comments make my day so much sweeter! Thanks for stopping by and saying hello!


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