As I was falling asleep a few nights ago, I was trying to think of something different to write this year -- some sort of sentiment that would mean more than the words I wrote in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 and 2013. Some sort of "magic words" that would bring a new sense of peace and answers. You'd think that after 11 years, I'd just stop questioning, stop searching, stop trying to make everything OK and just accept that my life will forever be different. But for some reason, I resist this mindset at every single turn. And by resist, I'm talking stoically and stubbornly here. It's almost as if I'm firmly planting my feet on the ground, refusing to move even an inch.
Say Something, and this lyric pierced my heart like a knife: "I'm sorry I couldn't get to you." I suppose when I really think about it, Father, I'm so sorry I couldn't get to you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I'm sorry I didn't know just how much you were hurting. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't get up earlier that morning. You know I would have moved mountains if only I had known. I hope you know, wherever you are, just how much I love you, Father. The first two decades of my life were magical because of you. Thank you for that. I'll carry those memories with me as I make my way on life's journey. Something tells me that's what you would have wanted... xoxo