Thursday, December 03, 2015
My Father's Suicide: On Goodbyes
As as I sit here on this winter evening, with Simon & Garfunkel playing in the background, all sorts of emotions seem to be running through my mind -- and especially my heart.
Saying goodbye is never an easy thing to do. There's just no easy way around it, I suppose, and everything is made even harder and more confusing when you're not the one who wants to say goodbye in the first place. I fight with every bone in my body not to say goodbye, to hold on and keep those connection alive. But what happens when we're not exactly in control of choosing how and when we get to say goodbye? What happens when someone else does the 'choosing' for us? Where on earth are we even supposed to go with that?
Even more consuming than my father's actual death, I'd come to realize, was processing the way he died. No one wants to feel like their loved one would rather leave than stay; it's the ultimate heartbreak, the kind that bears down on your shoulders and makes you feel like you can't breathe sometimes. After all, it wasn't supposed to be like that. He wasn't supposed to die like that. The superhero doesn't give up halfway through the movie and just dies. He gets up and keeps fighting. Our story, at least the chapters with him in them, were most definitely not supposed to end this way.
[Photos via We Heart It]