You know those songs that, from the very first time you hear them, turn your heart inside out? It's something about the combination of lyrics and somber melody that gets you. Every. Single. Time. I was just 18 the first time I heard Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You," and it still has the power to reduce me to tears.
Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You"
As I've mentioned a time or two before, I'm not very fond of the month of March. It's to be expected, I suppose, since it's the month that saw both my father's suicide and my grandfather's death, but that fact doesn't make it any easier. I obviously don't take any solace in that. To me, the month is all about goodbyes, something I've always struggled with, and no matter how old we are, they never get easier, do they?
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
Although the song came out years before, it took on new meaning after my father's death. Before, my innocent and somewhat naive mind merely saw it as a song about saying goodbye to someone. It's a sad affair, sure, but that's life, right? It happens. And then my father died and, ironically, the song sort of came to life for me. I found myself feeling all these conflicting feeling, and my soul just felt completely gutted.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
As time went on, I went through a period of worrying that I'd forget him. It quickly became my overriding fear -- as if someone was going to sneak up on me and snatch all my memories right out of my brain. It might be irrational, but what would I ever have left if I didn't have my cherished memories? I'd be left with just my grief and sadness, and that seemed like too much to bear. Honestly, it still does. So I made a vow with myself to always keep his memory alive, even if others won't. It's made me wonder if he remembers me, wherever he is. Does he think of me? Does he miss me? What would he say if he were here?
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light
Don't we all have those moments in life? Those times when the goodbye finally sinks in and it's the most heartbreaking thing you've ever felt. Because you never expected to feel like this. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Well, not this soon, anyway. You weren't prepared for this, and you're left with so many questions.