Monday, April 18, 2016

MEMO TO MEN: The Heart-Pumping Paradox

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Awkward as a teenager
DATE: April 18th, 2016
Boys, I think I've realized something: Although I appear rather mysterious, where I don't exactly tell you straight-up how I feel about you, if you look really closely, all the signs are probably there.

Translation: My body language will give me away. Every. Single. Time.

No, I'm not talking about that sort of body language! After all, I am a prude, remember? I'm talking about those nonverbal cues -- you know, lots of fidgeting, visibly sweaty palms, an awkward stutter, that general deer-in-the-headlights look as if I have no idea what I'm doing (which, by the way, I probably don't). If you want to know how I'm feeling, these signs will definitely tell you. And by "how I feel," I'm talking about the I-think-I-may-like-you kind since, obviously, those are the ones that are so hard for me to give voice to, if you know what I mean.

I've unofficially dubbed this trend The Heart-Pumping Paradox. Now, put your thinking caps on when I try to explain this. How I act around you is inversely proportional to how I feel about you. That is, the more I like you, the more I morph into a silent, awkward, blubbering person who can barely keep it together. So if we're chitchatting, say, and you notice that I'm having a bit of trouble stringing a simple sentence together, then I probably like you a lot. If I don't know where to put my hands as you're telling me about your weekend, then I probably like you a lot. If you ask me a question and I just stand there giving you a blank stare, then I probably like you a lot.

Weird, right??

I suppose now would be a good time to note that the above description of my new syndrome DOES NOT apply to our exchanges/interactions over texts, email and social media. Over those mediums, I'm positively enchanting, easily seducing you with my charms because, well, I'm just that irresistible. It must have something to do with the fact that I've always been better with the written word than thinking on my feet. Trying to come up with something clever and witty to say has never been a skill of mine. But give me a day or so to respond to an email? You'll be so enthralled with me that you'll see stars. I promise.
Although, I doubt I'm the only one who suffers from this affliction. Maybe you've noticed it a time or two in your own life. I'm starting to see that it's not a very good cover-up in the long-run. I mean, trying with all my might to conceal my feelings actually gives them away in the end. In making it look like I don't like you, I'm pretty much just sealing my fate, aren't I? You might not even catch on, but before long, I start to feel like I'm wearing a giant bulls-eye around my neck that says, "Step right up, step right up! Come take a look at the girl who is soooo obvious in her inner feelings. Look at her trying to hide if she even can!"

So where does that leave me exactly? Well, I don't really know, but I'm guessing it's somewhere between "just like everyone else" and "get a grip on yourself, girl." Maybe I should just try to be upfront with you and tell you how I feel?? Nah, that sounds too easy... xoxo

[Photos via We Heart It]


  1. You've summed me up! I just can't function when it involves the spoken language. Flat out start talking like I just got back from the dentist or can't speak at all. But over text, over instant messaging? If we connect, I will make you laugh your biceps off, and we will be sure to leave each other with that giddy feeling. If I see you out in public not long after that? "Uh yeah potato my swingset good long hair SUIT" is basically what comes out. I'm still a catch though!

  2. Melissa, you are admittedly socially awkward and clearly uncomfortable while attempting even the briefest physical interactions with the opposite sex. You've been lamenting about this for years! Yet you state that your inhibitions melt away behind the computer screen and your words flow so much more eloquently when emitted from the keyboard. Again, as SO many of your readers have urged you to do----why NOT give online dating a shot???? These posts might feed your fantasies, and send your imagination reeling about hearts and flowers, starry eyes, and riding off into the sunset on a white steed with your beloved, but if you are really serious about meeting a living, breathing, human being, you might want to try what has worked for so many couples these days (myself included!)!! What are you afraid of??????

  3. Ha, exactly, Chelsea! Glad I'm not the only one! :)

  4. Anonymous -- as I said before, online dating creeps me out! And even more so now after the recent story in the news about the mother who was killed by someone she met online... :)

  5. Okay, I can certainly respect your apprehensions towards online dating. It worked out wonderfully for me and so many others that I know personally. So I guess my question for you is this -- what types of situations WOULD you be willing to place yourself in to meet a potential date? Would you take the initiative and attempt to meet someone at one of the more popular venues for social mingling, such as a club or a coffeehouse? How about attending a concert, a lecture or taking a trip with friends? And the MOST obvious and absolute safest ways of all -- asking your friends to introduce you to someone they know!!! It's like getting a date that comes with verifiable references and a bona fide background check. That, to me, sounds like EXACTLY what you are looking for!!! C'mon, friends of Melissa!!! Let's help her out here!!!!


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